The Beast

beastRid myself of this disease

Eating my insides slowly

I look in the mirror and my face melts

Running out the door and down the street

I can’t escape the beast chasing me

In the woods I get lost and try to hide

The beast finds me

I’m too weak to fight so I give in

It eats me and I become the beast

Not again, I will hurt others

Just like I was hurt so many times

I eat up everyone around me

They see me and I see fear in their eyes

I want out but the beast has me

I can’t look in the mirror again

The pain like acid burning my flesh

Is death the only way out?

 

 

Addiction

Butterflies fluttering in my chest

Yearning for something to let them out

I find it in the bottom of a sewer and ingest

The butterflies calm so how can I live without?

There’s no way out this prison of addiction

I visit myself only to see a distorted me

Sick I vomit living with this affliction

Is death the only key to be free?

My house is on fire I have nothing left

I’m a baby bird, fell out my nest

Wings to small to fly, the ants come, I am bereft

Drowning in the ocean where is my life vest?

Stalking me once again he is after me

I hide and try to wait until he leaves

I’m caught and he makes me ashamed why can’t I flee?

Broken and hurt, all that’s left is debris

Insomnia

Delirious and confused

I’m lost in time

Swimming to shore in the middle of the ocean

Day is night and night is day

Up all hours, all I can do is lay

Lucid dreams blanket my mind

Are they real? Is my reality just a dream?

Thoughts are lost

Like the woods are never ending

Madness is impending

Sleep sounds like heaven

So close yet so far away

Screaming in my head when waking from day sleep

How long can I withstand?

At some point I must be in command

Trust

Arms hugged around my cold lonely legs.

Tears roll down my cheeks down my legs to my feet.

Salty and sad I drown in this pool full of tears.

They evaporate. To where? I don’t know.

Someone is at the door knocking.

Not enough room for me to move.

Too many locks on the door.

My legs need to stretch but they’re stiff.

I unlock the locks on the door ready for air.

It takes time to get out. I was there for so long.

The next room is still empty.

Still surrounded by walls.

There are no doors here.

The only way out is up or down.

There is a shovel and latter.

Which way do I go?

I feel the earth move beneath my feet.

I feel the breeze coming from above.

Do I dig deeper and take the slow way out?

Do I climb the latter and risk falling down again?

Sorry

It is empty or is it full?

It sounds like a child whining for nothing.

Can I believe it?

Like a broken record, it never is fixed.

Over and over you do it again.

Like life the cycle is never ending.

Life then death then life and death again.

Why must you torment me with the grief?

Only to build me up then break me down.

Like a sand castle the waves keep destroying.

I thirst for sincerity. My mouth is dry as sand.

I’m lost and confused.

I’m drunk and high.

Then I am sober again hearing your lies.

Round and around I go.

Stuck on this merry-go-round.

I want to jump off but I know it will hurt.

Is the risk worth it in this case?

Do I want to die trying or live dying?

 

Good-bye

I fell in love with you the first time I met you. Maybe I didn’t know what love was but the feelings were real.

You on the other hand lied and did not love me. You used me like and object.

Your love may have grown for me over the years but you never actually fell IN love with me.

I was never your type either. I am still not your “type” now. You still want to change me. You want me to get plastic surgery to change the way I look and I will NEVER do it.

You have drained all the love out of me. My heart has so much scar tissue and nerve damage that it no longer sends signals to my brain to feel anything.

It will take me years to heal. I may never be able to get back the love I once had for you. You should not have to wait and neither should I.

I will miss you when you go and naturally, you will miss me. But missing each other will not make us all of a sudden fall in love with each other.

Don’t you want REAL love? A love formed from happiness. A love formed by choice and not convenience.

I want to fall in love. I want to be with someone because we are IN love with each other. We are together because it is convenient. Of course we love and care for each other. We have kids together and we’ve been friends for a long time. It is natural but I want to be IN love and want someone IN love with me.

Right now, I am too scared to open my heart again. It hurts for me to say this but when you leave, you can take the heart that you destroyed. I don’t want a damaged heart. I want a new one. I deserve a new heart. One that has not be mutilated.

There is nothing you can say or do at this point that will undo what you’ve already done. The heart I gave you is no longer beating. It is dead now. There is only a void where it used to be, now waiting to be replaced with a new one.

Don’t worry. I will be okay. I understand if you find comfort with another woman. I won’t be mad. I can’t be mad because like I said, you already have my broken heart. It no longer beats for you but maybe someone else’s will.

I have to end it. For me. For my kids. And for you. I am now on a new journey. I have to learn how to love myself before I can love anyone else.

I will always love you and you will always be a part of my life.We will always see each other but we can no longer be together. It is just not good for my health or healing process.

So, this is goodbye and I will see you later, friend, baby daddy and soon to be ex-husband. If you really care about me and love me, you will let me go.

Victim or Victor?

It’s all your fault. You shouldn’t of said that. You should of just left. You did this. You made me hit you. You liked it. You enjoyed the pain I gave you. If you didn’t then why didn’t you leave?

The words of an abuser are never taking the blame but pointing in the direction of the victim. Once you realize you will never win the battle, you finally realize that the abuser is the one who should take the blame. You need to leave and never go back.

You have to heal or you will spiral down a deep dark hole and never return. Understand that you survived. Understand that you don’t need to be a victim anymore but a victor. You win the battle when you decide to finally dictate your life. Don’t let the abuser get back in or it will never stop.

Take a stand and stay strong. When you have nothing to lose you have everything to gain. Don’t forget the rainbow that comes after the rain. You are magnificent you are special. Don’t let anyone tell you other.

 

 

What to Tell the Kids

The worst part about two parents deciding it’s best to go their separate ways is having to tell your kids. I don’t think any way to say it is good enough for them until they are grown and in a relationship themselves. Kids just don’t understand the complications of relationships.

I tried explaining it to my kids by telling them that sometimes two people who are friends at first may eventually start to like other things and not get along anymore. Then those two people will feel better having space and living in different places. They came back and said, “We fight and don’t like each other sometimes, why do we still have to live together?” That did stump me for a second but then I just had to reassure them that being siblings is different then being grown ups in a relationship.

I still don’t think they fully grasp the concept and they will probably not really feel the real effects until both of us actually have different places to live. Luckily me and my husband are ending on good terms and we both are flexible when it comes to the kids. I also had to explain to them that both of us love them very much and will still be there for them even if we don’t live together.

I know that all kids take divorce differently. I remember as a kid actually WANTING my mom to divorce my dad because I saw all the pain that she had inside. I didn’t want her to be sad anymore and I knew that leaving him would be better for her health. Of course she did not listen and didn’t divorce him until after my brother and I were grown up. That is how I know that staying in an unhealthy relationship for the kids is worse than ending the relationship so that both parents can be happy.

The transition will be hard but it will be worth it. With our past, the only way I can properly heal from everything I’ve been through in my life and in the relationship is to start a fresh new life. I am almost thirty years old and I made a promise to myself that I am going to end all my bad habits and leave all the pain behind. I stopped substance abuse, allowing abuse, self-abuse and unhealthy living. I am now clean, in therapy, eating healthy, exercising and now out of a painful relationship. I have a second chance and I am taking it. I know that my kids will be happy to see me smiling more, laughing more and really enjoying life.

What is your experience in this subject? Does anyone have any good advice for me?

Letting Go

letting-go-handsHumans are creatures of habit. Changing seems to overwhelming for many. Even when we know something is bad for us we continue to indulge in the worst of behaviors.

Letting go can be one of the hardest things to do. I was in a relationship for almost nine years and got married to that person less than two months ago. I just today I realized that this is not what I REALLY want.

What I went through during those nine years was happiness, joy, pain, sorrow and many other conflicting feelings. As the years went by I got USED to the craziness. I got used to this person who I loved but was not in love with. I endured a lot and thought that if we got married that maybe things would change for the better but what I really found out is that I just couldn’t let go.

After an argument just like all the ones before, it hit me. I HAVE to let go. Some people are in your life for a reason and a season. The reason was to teach me what I should not accept in a relationship. The reason was to give me the knowledge to guide others who are in the same situation and don’t know what to do.

The second I chose to let go, as I write this now, I feel like a weight lifted off my shoulders. I will miss him but I will NOT miss what I was used to. With every ending is a new beginning. It may be the end of my relationship with that person but it is not the end of my road. I have traveled far and still have much further to travel.

Your life is a never-ending road. You meet people along the way. You get into accidents. You take detours. You stop and rest. But staying in one place on that road just stops you from experiencing what is to come. If your partner doesn’t want to travel with you on your road you need to let go and move on.

Letting go is important in many other aspects of life too. Don’t get caught in a pothole or ditch because you will die waiting to get pulled out. Get out and keep going. Life WILL go on with or without you. Letting go doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Letting go is just leaving what once was behind and continuing on your journey in life.

You Are Not Alone

Upon researching different sites online where psychologists post information about various issues, I noticed many teenagers and adults posting comments about many serious struggles they are going through. These psychologist do not always answer these comments or what I call “calls for help” because either they do not keep up with the site or they feel that they should be getting paid an outrageous price for their help.

With the mental health crisis in the United States and other countries, people have a hard time getting the help they need. They may not have friends and family that they can confide in or their friends and family are not equipped to help them. This leaves a person feeling all alone and helpless.

Knowing that so many people struggle with similar issues I feel as though the ones who have survived and pulled themselves out of the darkness could be there as a support system to help. Of course no one is perfect and many still struggle but the fact that a person CAN have a place where they can find a friend to listen and provide advice can be the difference between life and death.

I have always had the desire to help others because of all that I have went through. There were times that I felt like no one understood and that no one could help me. Luckily in my opinion, God is who really helped me when I thought that I had no purpose left. Regrettably, some may not have that connection with God or they do not believe in him and just because they may not believe in God does not mean that they have no one to turn to.

I created http://www.guidanceforyou.org/ where people can have a place to find someone including myself to help them when they feel helpless. The site is still under construction but will be completed hopefully within the next week. 

My goal is to have a resource for people who feel all alone where they can read and learn and connect with me or other people to help them get through whatever challenges they may be facing. There will be a place where people can be listed as “a friend” and provide contact information for others who may be going through what they went through to connect with. 

Someone may have lost a child and may not have the support they need to get through it. On my site they will have the opportunity to find others who have went through the same loss and those “friends” can help them through email, chat or over the phone. Maybe a teenager is being bullied at school and needs someone who can help them gain self-confidence and strength to handle the situation.

Everyone needs someone even though some don’t want to admit it. The internet provides the opportunity for people to make friends without having to go out and find them. Not everyone feels comfortable with face to face contact and that is why my site will help those people have friends they can count on and a place where they can learn.