Rid myself of this disease
Eating my insides slowly
I look in the mirror and my face melts
Running out the door and down the street
I can’t escape the beast chasing me
In the woods I get lost and try to hide
The beast finds me
I’m too weak to fight so I give in
It eats me and I become the beast
Not again, I will hurt others
Just like I was hurt so many times
I eat up everyone around me
They see me and I see fear in their eyes
I want out but the beast has me
I can’t look in the mirror again
The pain like acid burning my flesh
Is death the only way out?
Butterflies fluttering in my chest
Yearning for something to let them out
I find it in the bottom of a sewer and ingest
The butterflies calm so how can I live without?
There’s no way out this prison of addiction
I visit myself only to see a distorted me
Sick I vomit living with this affliction
Is death the only key to be free?
My house is on fire I have nothing left
I’m a baby bird, fell out my nest
Wings to small to fly, the ants come, I am bereft
Drowning in the ocean where is my life vest?
Stalking me once again he is after me
I hide and try to wait until he leaves
I’m caught and he makes me ashamed why can’t I flee?
Broken and hurt, all that’s left is debris
Delirious and confused
I’m lost in time
Swimming to shore in the middle of the ocean
Day is night and night is day
Up all hours, all I can do is lay
Lucid dreams blanket my mind
Are they real? Is my reality just a dream?
Thoughts are lost
Like the woods are never ending
Madness is impending
Sleep sounds like heaven
So close yet so far away
Screaming in my head when waking from day sleep
How long can I withstand?
At some point I must be in command
Arms hugged around my cold lonely legs.
Tears roll down my cheeks down my legs to my feet.
Salty and sad I drown in this pool full of tears.
They evaporate. To where? I don’t know.
Someone is at the door knocking.
Not enough room for me to move.
Too many locks on the door.
My legs need to stretch but they’re stiff.
I unlock the locks on the door ready for air.
It takes time to get out. I was there for so long.
The next room is still empty.
Still surrounded by walls.
There are no doors here.
The only way out is up or down.
There is a shovel and latter.
Which way do I go?
I feel the earth move beneath my feet.
I feel the breeze coming from above.
Do I dig deeper and take the slow way out?
Do I climb the latter and risk falling down again?
It is empty or is it full?
It sounds like a child whining for nothing.
Can I believe it?
Like a broken record, it never is fixed.
Over and over you do it again.
Like life the cycle is never ending.
Life then death then life and death again.
Why must you torment me with the grief?
Only to build me up then break me down.
Like a sand castle the waves keep destroying.
I thirst for sincerity. My mouth is dry as sand.
I’m lost and confused.
I’m drunk and high.
Then I am sober again hearing your lies.
Round and around I go.
Stuck on this merry-go-round.
I want to jump off but I know it will hurt.
Is the risk worth it in this case?
Do I want to die trying or live dying?
Mother. Where did you go?
I’ve always wondered about you and wanted to know.
Why did you leave and why did you give me away?
Was I the one to blame? Is that why you didn’t stay?
I long for you and still wonder why.
I sit up at night and I can’t help but to cry.
Please come back mother, please be in my life.
I promise I’ll be good and not cause strife.
Maybe I am mistaken and maybe it was for best.
Perhaps you weren’t ready and perhaps I am blessed.
One day I hope to find you so you will see.
What you missed out on and what we could be.
Or maybe I’m just dreaming a fantasy fairy tale.
Like bread I have been waiting too long and I am already stale.
Will you just be a thought of what could have been?
You will always be a part of me, a part of me within.
I wonder if you are thinking of me right now.
I may never know but for my kids, I will never leave I vow.
I see me destroying myself
I reach to grab me to stop the madness
But I cannot reach from this distance
I watch like a spectator of a fight
I can’t stop, I’m trapped inside
I just can’t get out
Caged like an animal
Why do you do this I say to myself
I get no answer
Stop! I say
Living in my brain
No way out
No way in
Like being choked
I’m close to death
The maggots eat away stuck inside my chest
I’m drowning in an ocean
deeper I fall
Hanging onto water
The ghosts visit me and whisper in my ear
It gives me comfort in this world of fear
Running into a wall like a helpless baby
The torment pulls me under again buried deep
Backed into a corner like an animal ready to fight
Running scared right into my captor’s arms
I’m a bench sat on by so many
Like a tree I have to adapt
My environment is harsh
The smell sour and bitter like an infection growing
In my head I can’t escape
The only way out is the end
They say just to get over it. You can’t live in your past.
But you’re not me. You haven’t felt the blast.
The burns still burning, the skin is still falling.
The fire did so much damage. What I see is appalling.
The smoke is still lingering in my lungs. Every cough brings me down.
I spit up blood. I feel like I’m going to drown.
I look in the mirror and see the scars. I break the mirror with tears in my eyes.
I’ll never be the same. I’ve changed, the old me came to demise.
I jump in the water hoping I can be born again new.
But I can’t get rid of what it did to me. There is no redo.
I have to accept the scars and the burns. I have to love myself again.
I have to ignore the stares and laughs and find my zen.
Darkness feels like light
Ready to die or ready to fight
My heart feels broken but not gone
I feel like a queen but I’m just a pawn
In this game of life where no one survives
death is inevitable that’s why everyone cries
I sit all alone hoping for the day
When all the pain and tears will be washed away
Descending in pain seems to be so common
Ascending in pain seems to be forgotten
I just want to sit on the beach in the sand
Sun on my skin with God holding my hand
I understand suicide and why people want to die
The peace and no more worrying just wanting to fly
It’s hard to jump and get to that end
Especially when so many you know depend
I shake my head trying to get the thoughts out
The memories that hurt the memories that bring doubt
I just keep on going hoping for a miracle
Wanting to live my life and making it berable