Victim or Victor?

It’s all your fault. You shouldn’t of said that. You should of just left. You did this. You made me hit you. You liked it. You enjoyed the pain I gave you. If you didn’t then why didn’t you leave?

The words of an abuser are never taking the blame but pointing in the direction of the victim. Once you realize you will never win the battle, you finally realize that the abuser is the one who should take the blame. You need to leave and never go back.

You have to heal or you will spiral down a deep dark hole and never return. Understand that you survived. Understand that you don’t need to be a victim anymore but a victor. You win the battle when you decide to finally dictate your life. Don’t let the abuser get back in or it will never stop.

Take a stand and stay strong. When you have nothing to lose you have everything to gain. Don’t forget the rainbow that comes after the rain. You are magnificent you are special. Don’t let anyone tell you other.

 

 

Burns

Burning-ManThey say just to get over it. You can’t live in your past.

But you’re not me. You haven’t felt the blast.

The burns still burning, the skin is still falling.

The fire did so much damage. What I see is appalling.

The smoke is still lingering in my lungs. Every cough brings me down.

I spit up blood. I feel like I’m going to drown.

I look in the mirror and see the scars. I break the mirror with tears in my eyes.

I’ll never be the same. I’ve changed, the old me came to demise.

I jump in the water hoping I can be born again new.

But I can’t get rid of what it did to me. There is no redo.

I have to accept the scars and the burns. I have to love myself again.

I have to ignore the stares and laughs and find my zen.

 

 

Buried Deep

Darkness feels like light

Ready to die or ready to fight

My heart feels broken but not gone

I feel like a queen but I’m  just a pawn

In this game of life where no one survives

death is inevitable that’s why everyone cries

I sit all alone hoping for the day

When all the pain and tears will be washed away

Descending in pain seems to be so common

Ascending in pain seems to be forgotten

I just want to sit on the beach in the sand

Sun on my skin with God holding my hand

I understand suicide and why people want to die

The peace and no more worrying just wanting to fly

It’s hard to jump and get to that end

Especially when so many you know depend

I shake my head trying to get the thoughts out

The memories that hurt the memories that bring doubt

I just keep on going hoping for a miracle

Wanting to live my life and making it berable

What to Tell the Kids

The worst part about two parents deciding it’s best to go their separate ways is having to tell your kids. I don’t think any way to say it is good enough for them until they are grown and in a relationship themselves. Kids just don’t understand the complications of relationships.

I tried explaining it to my kids by telling them that sometimes two people who are friends at first may eventually start to like other things and not get along anymore. Then those two people will feel better having space and living in different places. They came back and said, “We fight and don’t like each other sometimes, why do we still have to live together?” That did stump me for a second but then I just had to reassure them that being siblings is different then being grown ups in a relationship.

I still don’t think they fully grasp the concept and they will probably not really feel the real effects until both of us actually have different places to live. Luckily me and my husband are ending on good terms and we both are flexible when it comes to the kids. I also had to explain to them that both of us love them very much and will still be there for them even if we don’t live together.

I know that all kids take divorce differently. I remember as a kid actually WANTING my mom to divorce my dad because I saw all the pain that she had inside. I didn’t want her to be sad anymore and I knew that leaving him would be better for her health. Of course she did not listen and didn’t divorce him until after my brother and I were grown up. That is how I know that staying in an unhealthy relationship for the kids is worse than ending the relationship so that both parents can be happy.

The transition will be hard but it will be worth it. With our past, the only way I can properly heal from everything I’ve been through in my life and in the relationship is to start a fresh new life. I am almost thirty years old and I made a promise to myself that I am going to end all my bad habits and leave all the pain behind. I stopped substance abuse, allowing abuse, self-abuse and unhealthy living. I am now clean, in therapy, eating healthy, exercising and now out of a painful relationship. I have a second chance and I am taking it. I know that my kids will be happy to see me smiling more, laughing more and really enjoying life.

What is your experience in this subject? Does anyone have any good advice for me?

Save Us

People killing, children crying

Racial tensions continue rising

What’s real? What’s fake?

I’m given lies and truths, which do I take?

Confusion in the hate that people throw around

I can’t see straight in this fog I found

Money is worshiped and put before the people

Why is paper the object of everyone’s desire?

Like bathing in chemicals and jumping in fire

Help us God and send your Son

The people are no longer having any fun

Suffering is common and strong

Peace is what I really long

Why can’t people just love and care

Why is this life so unfair?

Crazy feelings like a bad acid trip

Gravestones ever where reading RIP

Resting in peace is only when you’re gone

You are just a memory under a lawn

Will the ones left learn and change?

No. They will continue derange.

Help us God. Please come soon.

Destruction. We are too immune

 

 

The Time of Healing

Healing is patient healing is slow

Take time and let start to let go

Memories sneak up and scare

Embrace them and say a little prayer

Stay strong and stay hopeful

Don’t be weak and don’t be woeful

Expel the ones hindering your path

Don’t allow yourself to feel the wrath

Hearts break hearts heal

You’re still here breathing what’s the big deal?

In the end it is only you

Remembering this will help you get through

Letting Go

letting-go-handsHumans are creatures of habit. Changing seems to overwhelming for many. Even when we know something is bad for us we continue to indulge in the worst of behaviors.

Letting go can be one of the hardest things to do. I was in a relationship for almost nine years and got married to that person less than two months ago. I just today I realized that this is not what I REALLY want.

What I went through during those nine years was happiness, joy, pain, sorrow and many other conflicting feelings. As the years went by I got USED to the craziness. I got used to this person who I loved but was not in love with. I endured a lot and thought that if we got married that maybe things would change for the better but what I really found out is that I just couldn’t let go.

After an argument just like all the ones before, it hit me. I HAVE to let go. Some people are in your life for a reason and a season. The reason was to teach me what I should not accept in a relationship. The reason was to give me the knowledge to guide others who are in the same situation and don’t know what to do.

The second I chose to let go, as I write this now, I feel like a weight lifted off my shoulders. I will miss him but I will NOT miss what I was used to. With every ending is a new beginning. It may be the end of my relationship with that person but it is not the end of my road. I have traveled far and still have much further to travel.

Your life is a never-ending road. You meet people along the way. You get into accidents. You take detours. You stop and rest. But staying in one place on that road just stops you from experiencing what is to come. If your partner doesn’t want to travel with you on your road you need to let go and move on.

Letting go is important in many other aspects of life too. Don’t get caught in a pothole or ditch because you will die waiting to get pulled out. Get out and keep going. Life WILL go on with or without you. Letting go doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Letting go is just leaving what once was behind and continuing on your journey in life.

Insanity in Sanity

You should be more like this

This is the only way you can feel bliss

If you don’t like that

You are just a jay cat

Do as I say and not as I do

The only thing right is my point of view

Walk in line don’t go your own way

You must do as I say and obey

Learn what I choose to teach

What ever YOU want is too out of reach

I am right and you are wrong

If you don’t do as I say you just don’t belong

Some will call you insane

But that only means that you have a brain

Those who think that they are the ones who are sane

Goes to show they are REALLY inhumane

Insanity or Sanity no one knows

In this world today ANYTHING goes

Hard Times Are What Makes Us Stronger

For a long time I looked at all the hard times I went through as wearing me down. Like sandpaper on wood non-stop. The more I was sanded the thinner I became. It took me many years to realize that I wasn’t being thinned but instead I was being finished. I was being made into a beautiful work of art.

Hard times can be tiring and trying but it is how you perceive those times and utilize them. The fact that you are still here today is enough to prove that you made it through. You survived what you thought you couldn’t.

Healing from those experiences can be difficult but not impossible. Even I still have days when I feel like no one is on my side and I will never get better but those feelings pass. I have to see that I HAVE gotten better because if I wasn’t getting better I would not be doing the things I am doing now.

I was watching a show about a girl who survived getting raped and almost killed. She said that someone told her, “Your pain will become your purpose.” She chose to go to school for psychology because her purpose was to use the pain she went through to help others get through the same pain. That is what I want to do. I want to use my pain as my purpose to help others see that there is always room for healing.

You may feel worn down and hopeless at times but during those times you just need to stop what you’re doing. Just take a moment to yourself and relax. Take a nap even, I know that helps me. You come first. You need to remember that even though horrible things may have happened to you, those things will NOT control you and will NOT win. You had the power to survive during those times so you definitely have the power to survive after those times. Never ever give up on yourself.

Love Everyone

cat-hugs-dog.jpgTreat others with kindness treat others with love

Think about what’s really going on before you start to judge

Even the worst of people who seem evil at first sight

have been going through pain most all of their life

Too many people are just to blind to see

because they never felt the deep wounds of suffering

People just need to open their arms

and embrace the ones who do the most harm

Maybe that one act of great kindness and love

will bring them closer to the great Lord above

Healing is more than just therapy and medication

it’s giving the gift of everlasting salvation