Addiction

Butterflies fluttering in my chest

Yearning for something to let them out

I find it in the bottom of a sewer and ingest

The butterflies calm so how can I live without?

There’s no way out this prison of addiction

I visit myself only to see a distorted me

Sick I vomit living with this affliction

Is death the only key to be free?

My house is on fire I have nothing left

I’m a baby bird, fell out my nest

Wings to small to fly, the ants come, I am bereft

Drowning in the ocean where is my life vest?

Stalking me once again he is after me

I hide and try to wait until he leaves

I’m caught and he makes me ashamed why can’t I flee?

Broken and hurt, all that’s left is debris

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Stranded on an Island?

Stranded on an island? What do you do? Do you give up and let yourself die or do you change, adapt and survive?

Imagine your life being a boat sailing in a big ocean. There are predators, friendly beings, food, water, changes in weather, changes in tide and sometimes huge waves that can knock you down.

What do you do if a wave does come crashing down on you and you become damaged? Do you allow predators to come eat you alive? Do you let friendly ocean creatures guide you to land? Do you use whatever resources you have to survive?

Let’s say that you do find your way onto a deserted island. Do you give up and die waiting for someone to come to your rescue or do you adapt to your new surroundings and survive?

Life is full of surprises. There will be times that your life can change in an instant. What really counts in that situation is how you handle it. There are resources all around to use. It is okay to take advantage of those resources.

Whether it be a friend, therapist, family member or even a caring stranger, seek guidance or just someone to vent to if needed. You’d be surprised how after letting out what you have bottled up inside you feel like a weight has been lifted.

That is why I started guidanceforyou.org. I want to create a place where people can listen, learn, share and get help surviving after a storm or after being stranded on an island all alone.

Sometimes people just need someone else to vent to. Guidance for You provides friends just for that. Sometimes people want advice without the tainted views from friends, co-workers or family members. Some Guidance for You friends will have been where you are and can help guide you through whatever you’re going through.

Consider surviving. Consider living. Give yourself the chance you deserve to live a better life and enjoy every moment. It is possible because anything is possible.

 

Insomnia

Delirious and confused

I’m lost in time

Swimming to shore in the middle of the ocean

Day is night and night is day

Up all hours, all I can do is lay

Lucid dreams blanket my mind

Are they real? Is my reality just a dream?

Thoughts are lost

Like the woods are never ending

Madness is impending

Sleep sounds like heaven

So close yet so far away

Screaming in my head when waking from day sleep

How long can I withstand?

At some point I must be in command

Trust

Arms hugged around my cold lonely legs.

Tears roll down my cheeks down my legs to my feet.

Salty and sad I drown in this pool full of tears.

They evaporate. To where? I don’t know.

Someone is at the door knocking.

Not enough room for me to move.

Too many locks on the door.

My legs need to stretch but they’re stiff.

I unlock the locks on the door ready for air.

It takes time to get out. I was there for so long.

The next room is still empty.

Still surrounded by walls.

There are no doors here.

The only way out is up or down.

There is a shovel and latter.

Which way do I go?

I feel the earth move beneath my feet.

I feel the breeze coming from above.

Do I dig deeper and take the slow way out?

Do I climb the latter and risk falling down again?

Sorry

It is empty or is it full?

It sounds like a child whining for nothing.

Can I believe it?

Like a broken record, it never is fixed.

Over and over you do it again.

Like life the cycle is never ending.

Life then death then life and death again.

Why must you torment me with the grief?

Only to build me up then break me down.

Like a sand castle the waves keep destroying.

I thirst for sincerity. My mouth is dry as sand.

I’m lost and confused.

I’m drunk and high.

Then I am sober again hearing your lies.

Round and around I go.

Stuck on this merry-go-round.

I want to jump off but I know it will hurt.

Is the risk worth it in this case?

Do I want to die trying or live dying?

 

Where Are You Mother?

Mother. Where did you go?

I’ve always wondered about you and wanted to know.

Why did you leave and why did you give me away?

Was I the one to blame? Is that why you didn’t stay?

I long for you and still wonder why.

I sit up at night and I can’t help but to cry.

Please come back mother, please be in my life.

I promise I’ll be good and not cause strife.

Maybe I am mistaken and maybe it was for best.

Perhaps you weren’t ready and perhaps I am blessed.

One day I hope to find you so you will see.

What you missed out on and what we could be.

Or maybe I’m just dreaming a fantasy fairy tale.

Like bread I have been waiting too long and I am already stale.

Will you just be a thought of what could have been?

You will always be a part of me, a part of me within.

I wonder if you are thinking of me right now.

I may never know but for my kids, I will never leave I vow.

 

Good-bye

I fell in love with you the first time I met you. Maybe I didn’t know what love was but the feelings were real.

You on the other hand lied and did not love me. You used me like and object.

Your love may have grown for me over the years but you never actually fell IN love with me.

I was never your type either. I am still not your “type” now. You still want to change me. You want me to get plastic surgery to change the way I look and I will NEVER do it.

You have drained all the love out of me. My heart has so much scar tissue and nerve damage that it no longer sends signals to my brain to feel anything.

It will take me years to heal. I may never be able to get back the love I once had for you. You should not have to wait and neither should I.

I will miss you when you go and naturally, you will miss me. But missing each other will not make us all of a sudden fall in love with each other.

Don’t you want REAL love? A love formed from happiness. A love formed by choice and not convenience.

I want to fall in love. I want to be with someone because we are IN love with each other. We are together because it is convenient. Of course we love and care for each other. We have kids together and we’ve been friends for a long time. It is natural but I want to be IN love and want someone IN love with me.

Right now, I am too scared to open my heart again. It hurts for me to say this but when you leave, you can take the heart that you destroyed. I don’t want a damaged heart. I want a new one. I deserve a new heart. One that has not be mutilated.

There is nothing you can say or do at this point that will undo what you’ve already done. The heart I gave you is no longer beating. It is dead now. There is only a void where it used to be, now waiting to be replaced with a new one.

Don’t worry. I will be okay. I understand if you find comfort with another woman. I won’t be mad. I can’t be mad because like I said, you already have my broken heart. It no longer beats for you but maybe someone else’s will.

I have to end it. For me. For my kids. And for you. I am now on a new journey. I have to learn how to love myself before I can love anyone else.

I will always love you and you will always be a part of my life.We will always see each other but we can no longer be together. It is just not good for my health or healing process.

So, this is goodbye and I will see you later, friend, baby daddy and soon to be ex-husband. If you really care about me and love me, you will let me go.

Self-Destruction

I see me destroying myself

I reach to grab me to stop the madness

But I cannot reach from this distance

I watch like a spectator of a fight

I can’t stop,  I’m trapped inside

I just can’t get out

Caged like an animal

Why do you do this I say to myself

I get no answer

Stop! I say

No answer.

Get Me Out

Living in my brain

No way out

No way in

Like being choked

I’m close to death

The maggots eat away stuck inside my chest

I’m drowning in an ocean

deeper I fall

Hanging onto water

The ghosts visit me and whisper in my ear

It gives me comfort in this world of fear

Running into a wall like a helpless baby

The torment pulls me under again buried deep

Backed into a corner like an animal ready to fight

Running scared right into my captor’s arms

I’m a bench sat on by so many

Like a tree I have to adapt

My environment is harsh

The smell sour and bitter like an infection growing

In my head I can’t escape

The only way out is the end

 

 

 

Victim or Victor?

It’s all your fault. You shouldn’t of said that. You should of just left. You did this. You made me hit you. You liked it. You enjoyed the pain I gave you. If you didn’t then why didn’t you leave?

The words of an abuser are never taking the blame but pointing in the direction of the victim. Once you realize you will never win the battle, you finally realize that the abuser is the one who should take the blame. You need to leave and never go back.

You have to heal or you will spiral down a deep dark hole and never return. Understand that you survived. Understand that you don’t need to be a victim anymore but a victor. You win the battle when you decide to finally dictate your life. Don’t let the abuser get back in or it will never stop.

Take a stand and stay strong. When you have nothing to lose you have everything to gain. Don’t forget the rainbow that comes after the rain. You are magnificent you are special. Don’t let anyone tell you other.